Christmas With My Boo

Christmas With My Boo
On Christmas Eve,
I spent a while with Hannah,
It was a ton of fun.
We took a walk around the neighborhood,
It was really cold,
But it wasn't really that bad.
I was talking,
Walking,
Laughing with my boo.
Hee hee, and a lot clocking.
And she gave me presents,
They were so well thought out...
Some Vaseline for my chapped lips,
A cassette to AUX for my car,
Something I've wanted ever since I got my car,
And a journal for me to record my thoughts.
While mine was so lame.
Just a journal,
No card,
No nothing.
:/
I feel kinda bad,
But what is past is past.
Hopefully the best is in the future,
God will help me,
As he has helped me so much this year,
And he always will.
Merry Christmas Boo

First Kiss

First Kiss
So I didn't know what to expect,
I always heard of things that could go wrong.
I always didn't quite understand how it worked,
In fact,
I thought it was kinda gross.
That argument I had with Hannah,
About not kissing in a year...
That was scrapped,
So fast,
Haha,
50 weeks earlier than expected.
I went from demanding at minimum of one year,
To kissing for the first time 2 weeks after.
What a troll.
Well it was great,
First time I was taken by surprise,
I thought I was ready,
But it still surprised me.
But by the second and third time,
It wasn't too bad,
Or so she said...
:P
T_T now I think I'm addicted to it...
FML.
Dat first kiss

Love

Love
This past week,
Has been strange to me.
So close with Hannah,
Makes me feel so good,
I just stand there,
Hugging her,
Her presence feels so good,
I love her.
I almost want to kiss her,
But something holds me back.
It has only been a week since I told her,
Maybe in a year + a summer,
Maybe then I'll kiss you.
But maybe I'm waiting for a special time.
I'm not sure what this is,
But I think I love her.
So much that she can feel it...
Yeah, that awkward/weird thing you can think about,
Yeah,
She mentioned it. LOL
T_T what a fail Andy...
But I guess thats what happens with love,
And there isn't anything I can do to control it.
The perks of being a male...
T_T literally,
And falling in love.
Or... wanting to try to make love...
Whatever.

I Hate

I Hate
I hate it when I'm not good enough,
I hate it when I don't try hard enough,
I hate it when you don't think of me,
It's because I'm not good enough to you.
I think about you every day,
I think of you with every word I say,
But,
Do you do the same?
Without words of reassurance,
I hate myself for not trusting you,
I hate myself for not believing you,
I hate myself for,
Well,
Not being enough for you.
I hate when I can't be there for you,
And I hate myself for being so jealous.
I hate it.

Love?

Love?
I told myself I wouldn't fall,
Or fall to that extent.
I hope that I will saftely pick myself up,
Or see another person fallen with me,
So we can build from the roots.
I don't really know this feeling.
It feels unlike the first time.
It feels,
Different.
I really can't explain this feeling.
The thought of you,
In my mind,
Over and over,
With almost anything I do.
The replay of your soft skin,
Brushing on mine,
The want to just hold you,
And say I love you.
But I've been holding back,
These sensitive words,
Because I'm afraid it's premature.
But I think now might be the right time,
I can only hope you feel the same,
And I can only hope this will last forever.
Could this be,
The famous thing called love?

Heartache

Heartache
Have you felt it before?
I haven't,
Until now.
I think.
A pain in your chest,
A sudden weakness in your muscles,
A sudden sadness takes over your mind.
My breath draws quicker,
And more shallow.
I suddenly picture all the events,
All in vain?
I'm not sure.
I don't know what this feeling is.
But it's starting to hurt.
I hope this isn't heartache.

States

States
Tennis.
Four whole years,
All the drama,
All the hardwork,
All the money,
All the time,
All of it,
To this.
State champions with my friend,
Sam Brodkey.
WE WON.
WE WON OUR FLIGHT AT 2DUBS.
Our team was strong,
So we ultimately won as a team,
But to see my friends fight so hard,
And not have their individual titles,
Made me terribly sad,
Like when Yeon-woo fought so hard,
And lost,
He said: "avenge me."
I felt so bad,
But I did.
We helped secure this position so that,
All of us could have something.
Going out with a bang.
GO SENIORS OF 2012!
:D WE DID IT.
Tennis states.

When You Are Here

When You Are Here
When you are here,
Right next to me,
Talking to me,
Touching me,
It all feels right.
Your warmth flows to me,
Your eyes stick to me,
And I feel,
Well,
Good.
But when you turn away,
Or don't join me when I'm alone,
I just can't help but wonder,
If you shouldn't be with me.
If you should be with another,
But I don't know.
When you are with me,
I feel good.
I guess that is all I can ask for,
And be thankful for.
I just hope that you can be
Here with me.

Why Is It

Why Is It
Why is it that,
I'm always jealous of other guys?
And that I don't stack up?
Why is it that,
I never see that I might actually be good at something,
Or that I always see someone better?
Why is it that,
When I see you laughing,
I hurt a little?
Why is that,
When I see you have a good time,
It's always with someone else?
Why is it that,
Everything I do,
I'm scared?
Why is it that,
I feel so insecure?
So insecure that I never can do things,
I only imagine them.
Why is it that,
You've won my heart,
Yet I'm still trying to find ways,
To see how much you feel back?
Why is it that,
I'm just so scared and paranoid,
When nothing really bad happens?
Why is it?

If It Comes Down

If It Comes Down
If it comes down to it,
I want to take the blame,
I want to take the pain,
I want to be the one who's hurt.
From the first time,
I thought I had it all,
I thought that I was strong,
I thought that I'd never be wrong.
But I was very wrong.
It was I,
Andy Wu,
Who made it turn out this way,
It was me who broke it for the first time,
And it was me,
Lonely me,
Who cause all of those problems.
But I was young,
I was naive.
I can only hope that I've matured 4 years later.
I can only hope that I can control my emotions better,
I can only hope that this all goes well.
Make me strong,
Make me love,
Make me understand.
I don't want to hurt anyone,
I can't hurt someone so young,
So please,
If it comes down to it,
Give it all to me.

Weird?

Weird?
Is it weird...
That when I don't talk to you,
I think about you?
Is it weird that,
When I don't see you for the whole day,
Your distant voice pierces the crowd,
And my heart pounds a little?
Is it weird that,
When I'm talking to other girls,
I get nervous?
Hoping that they won't tempt me away?
Is it weird that,
I'm afraid of what could be?
Or what won't be?
Is it weird that,
I hate myself for saying a lot,
And not being to back my words up?
That I can't actually promise anyone anything?
Is it weird that,
I'm afraid of our difference,
And I don't want to start something?
Is it weird that,
I want it,
Yet I don't?
Is it weird?

Try My Best

Try My Best
My fellow Charles has spoken wise words,
"The reason you are so insecure all the time,
Is because you don't try your best,
You don't know HOW good you really are."
This is the truth.
All my life I've been afraid to go all in,
To try my best.
Stuck in the lows,
I think I "try,"
But really,
I give up too easily.
The second something is too hard,
I run away.
The second something I'm too tired,
I give up.
The second I'm afraid,
I get down on myself.
But how can I try my best,
If i've never done it before?
And how can I find time to try my best.
Every time I try,
I'm exhausted.
Everything I do because terribly exhausting.
HOW can I do it?
How will I find time to try my best?

Serious

Serious
Why so serious?
Why am I?
I take some playful jokes,
So seriously.
I take it personally,
I take it violently.
I feel like everyone is trying to get at me,
And if they are I can't do anything.
I'm helpless.
But why?
Why am I so serious?
Maybe it's just the internet.
Maybe it's because I don't really know their intentions.
Maybe it's because I really can't handle it.
I throw fits because I'm frustrated,
I become unreasonable,
I turn a silly joke,
Into something serious.

Win My Heart

Win My Heart
Broken between a few,
Broken between two.
A situation that I cannot control,
A place I don't want to be in,
I only can wait.
I only hope for one.
I only want one.
I can't handle more,
Nor can I give my all to both.
So win my heart.
Lay my anxiety to rest.
Let me give my best.
Win my heart.
I beg of it.

Relatable

Relatable
I'm usually right,
For the wrong reasons.
I take an accidental route,
To the right place.
But what do I do?
With this person,
I can describe my ideas and thoughts,
But have someone agrees,
But getting the same idea from a different path.
We have lots of talks about,
Well,
I don't even know.
Whatever comes up,
But it's almost never relevant.
But it's fun,
Interesting,
I'm involved.
I can actually do this,
With a solid amount of confidence.
Giving my opinion is the one thing I think I can do best.
She's well, relatable.
But now I'm broken.
But we'll see.
Time will help.
See if being relatable,
Can change me.

All Right

All Right
This girl,
She's got it all right.
School first.
I'm just,
Here.
I think about it all the time.
What am I feeling?
What am I going to do?
How can I make this stay?

I have to make much out of not much,
I fake wanting her to go,
I fake wanting her to go do her work,
But I'm here,
Hoping that she'll finish and talk to me.
Hoping that I'll finish my work,
so I can make time.
But I can't be selfish.
She's got it all right.
And I don't.

Every Night

Every Night
Every night is the same.
I try my best to just relax,
Let it all out.
Just admire those people who do what they want,
Whenever they want.
They have this self control
That nobody can take away,
But themselves.
But I'm here every night.
Fighting to just have a chance to learn,
No chance to make a mistake,
Or the same thing happens every night.
Fighting.
More fighting.
Screaming,
Yelling,
Then boom.
Rage.
Everything turns into something,
Something that I can't possibly love.
I'm stuck.
I pray every night.
I pray that I can just,
Contain this horrible anger.
This unexplainable anger.
This anger from someone I'm not.
But I'm stuck.
I clench my teeth, fight my tears, stop breathing,
Because I can't let anything escape my mouth,
I can't show my weakness,
I can't let go,
Any mistake is taken advantage of.
Same routine every night.
Same talk every day.
"Oh fighting never gets anything done."
Yet it happens every day,
Every night.

Something I'm Not

Something I'm Not
All this rage,
All this anger,
All this pain,
All this confusion,
All this frustration,
All this anxiety,
All this fear,
Is turning me into something I'm not.

I scream and I yell,
When just talking doesn't get the point across.
But then what?
When screaming and yelling starts to not get the point across,
I'm forced to use violence.
I hate it.
I hate myself when it comes to this point.
But then what?

What happens when violence doesn't get the point across?
What will I do?
How can I just be myself?
How can I just calm down?
What if these actions become a part of me?
How will I be able to live with myself,
Being somebody that I don't want to be,
Someone I'm not.
Or even worse,
Something I'm not.

Confused

Confused

It was going well,

Until now.

I don't know where you are,

I don't know what to do,

I don't know where we are.

Are we done?

Are you confused, as I am?

Was it something I did?

Was it something someone told you?

What do I do now?

I'm confused.

I miss you,

But I'm not sure if thats the right thing to do.

I need a sign,

That we are though,

Or that you need a break,

Or that there have been problems.

But give me a sign,

A hint,

A word.

Please,

I'm so confused.

The Past

The Past

It's coming back,

The past.

What I've done in the past,

Is coming up,

To haunt me.

To scar me.

It made me miss am opportunity,

It made me hurt,

It made me remember.

All of this stuff really happened,

All of this stuff really hurt,

But worst of all,

All of this stuff can happen again.

So please lord,

Bless me,

Make me pure,

And cure me from this sickness.

Make the future better than the past. 

~hahasmile4me

Trust

Trust
Sometimes all you need to do is trust in someone.
You can't be insecure,
You can't loose hope,
You can't do anything,
But trust.

Even when everything goes back,
You must have that faith,
The faith that you can entrust so much with that person,
But no matter how untrustworthy other people have been to me,
Or how untrustworthy I've been to others,
I will try my best,
To just trust you.
Please do your best,
And I'll try to do my best.
So heres to trust.
~hahasmile4me

Hoping

Hoping
I'm here hoping,
That I won't mess up like I did before,
That nothing will go wrong,
And if something does go wrong,
We'll have the strength to overcome and push through,
And be stronger than ever.

I hope that there won't be any hurt,
I hope that there won't be any tricks,
I hope that it'll last,
I hope that money will have no influence,
I hope that we can put everything aside,
And enjoy the time we spend.

I hope that we all have the right intentions,
I hope that no matter what the circumstance,
It will be ok.
I just hope.
~hahasmile4me

This Feeling...

This feeling
Oh gosh,
It has been so long since I've felt this feeling.
2 and 1/2 years.

Something that I hope is mutual,
Something that I hope will last,
Something that I hope that I can give it my all,
Just so I can make this feeling last,
Just so I don't get that feeling,
Just so I can be happy.

I pray that God will be behind me,
That he will be able to make us all happy.
I pray that this feeling will last,
But the only thing I can do now,
Is try my best, and trust in you.

No matter what happens,
I will always thank you for this feeling.
~hahasmile4me

Caged

Caged

It's summer time.

My time to shine.

My time to have fun.

My time to relax.

Sike.

Some people just don't get it.

Some people just want it all.

Some people say it isn't for them,

But it is.

If it isn't for me,

Who is it for?

You tell me.

"Oh, you are such a good child,"

"You've grown up so much,"

"The only thing I hate about you are those video games,"

Really?

Should such a small thing that makes me happy,

Be the ONLY reason we fight?

Can you leave me be?

I can't run,

I can't escape,

I'm caged.

Why?

Why can't you run?

Because people are stubborn.

Because people are so selfish that they don't listen.

They have two portions of mouth and not enough portions of ear.

I almost thought that I could do things because I wanted to,

Not for you.

But I was wrong.

So now I'm here,

And I'm caged.

What else can I do?

~hahasmile4me

Ready

Ready
Are you?
A question I ask myself all the time,
Am I ready?

Ready for what?
Ready for the world out there,
Ready for the people out there,
Ready for the future.

I don't know what is coming,
I don't know how to face it.
I don't know how I'll act,
I don't know how I'll pull through.
I'm clueless.

Will I be ready?
I guess we'll have to see.
~hahasmile4me

The Past

The Past

I have always complained about the past.

So much good:

All the times we had together,

All the deep chats we had,

All the time we spent together,

All the fun we had,

All the things we shared.

And so much bad:

All the mistakes I made,

All the expectations I failed to meet,

All the problems I created,

All the people I hurt,

All the relationships I broke,

All the things I said,

But which out weighs the other?

I guess we'll find out,

In the future.

But for now,

Let's try to cherish the past.

~hahasmile4me

Some day

Someday

Maybe someday,
You can come to me.
Maybe someday,
We can talk about personal things.
Maybe someday,
I'll be someone special.
But we'll just have to see.

Maybe someday,
I can become someone you'll believe in.
Maybe someday,
I can be someone you can confide in.
Maybe someday,
We could have something special.
But we'll just have to see.

Maybe someday,
I can do something unique.
Maybe someday,
I can be good at something.
Maybe someday,
I can have this self-confidence back.
But we'll just have to see.

Starting from now,

My goal will be that,

Someday
Can be today.
~hahasmile4me

Change

Change

Change.
It needs to happen.
Right.
Now.

I need a change.
A change to my studying habits.
A change to my efficiency.
A change,
To my attitude.

I need a change.
A change to my work ethic.
A change to my confidence.
A change,
To my life.

I need a change.
A change in my ability to make friends.
A change in my ability to keep friends.
A change,
To be a better friend.

I need a change.
A change that will renew me.
A change that will reinvigorate others.
A change,
That will make me a better person.

There are just so many things that need to be changed.
So many things that must be done.
But I need to change.
This year was ridiculous.
So much stress.
So much pressure.
So much demand.
So much nostalgia.
So much drama.
So much pain.

So many fails.
So many successes.
So many fortunes.
So many misfortunes.
So many problems.
So many solutions.
So many hands,
Outstretched to help me.
All I can do is be thankful.
It is all I have.

There is just so much out there.
There is so much corruption.
But I will strive to stay pure.
And take as many people with me,
Down this path.
With God on my right,
And friends/family on my left.
I will be unstoppable.

So lets make a change,
Not only for ourselves,
But for the ones who are dear to you.
~hahasmile4me

Finally

Finally

Finally,
The dreaded curse has been lifted.
But wait,
Has it really?
I don't think so.
This forever burdening weight from school.
This "4.0" status is over for me.
I just hope that I can still get that scholarship,
Not for me,
But for my family,
Because they have stuck with me.
For all this time.

I'm sorry for not being an amazing student,
And that I probably won't be able to help you guys out that much,
But I pray that I can give back,
Just a little big of that massive amount of money,
That you have spoiled me with.
Thank you for all the things you have given me Mom and Dad.
I just hope that I can help you out soon.

I'l keep trying,
But at least this 4.0 pressure is over.
Hopefully I can start trying MY personal best,
Rather than just make the grade.
Heres to a new start.
~hahasmile4me

Trouble

Trouble
Once upon a time.
Once upon a time a had what it took.
Once upon a time, I could keep conversations going.
Once upon a time, I would waste hours and hours on chat.
But its all gone now.

I struggle to keep conversations going,
I struggle to find a topic of choice,
I struggle to learn more about the other person.
But I fail.
I fail so badly.
In fact,
I fail so badly that people despise my questions.
I fail so badly that people snap back at me.
I fail so badly that people just don't even bother to acknowledge me.
But I'm still here.

I'm still here.
Whether you like me or not.
Whether you want me or not.
I'm still here.
If you are going to destroy me,
I'll see you later.
You can be "just another person,"
If that means anything.

But we'll see.
We'll see where you place,
We'll see how important you really are,
In time.
Only time will tell.

We'll best of luck.
Maybe I'm worth a little more than just,
That tall Asian kid.
Maybe I'm worth more than a friend,
Or a nice guy.
Maybe I'm worth more that just a desperate kid.
But thats up to you to find out.
Give and take,
Thats what makes a relationship work.
If you aren't willing to,
Good luck.

As always,
I'll be here,
Through the troubles to give my strength and encouragement,
To give my support, and opinion,
To give my heart, and soul.
Take it or leave it.
Choice is yours.
~hahasmile4me

Stars

Stars
I look up every night,
during my evening run.
I find a place where its nice and dark,
and just look up.
I look up to see the stars.

I never really understood,
understood why the stars amazed me.
It wasn't the twinkle,
or the vast quantity,
or the constellations.
It was the thought.

I don't really know what I was thinking.
Maybe I was thinking how,
How there are as many girls out there as there are stars.
But thats not true.
It made me realize.

It made me realize that,
The girl you are looking for,
Isn't always going to be the brightest star in the sky,
Or the most colorful one,
or the center one.
The girl that you are looking for is,
One of the "average" ones.

You can't tell which one it is from looking up into the sky.
And to make matters worse,
Clouds block your vision.

But I try and try,
I try to find you.
I think about maybe I messed up,
and that I already missed you.
Or that I just stood by,
And watched other people take you.
But I guess I'll never know.

So I'll wait.
I'll do the wait.
The most painful wait of my life.
But I know,
I know that if I draw from God's well,
I'll have the strength.
And I know it'll pay off...
Because this girl's going to be the one,
The only one I'll need.
And the only one I'll ever think about.
So in the end,
It'll be worth it.

So I guess the only thing to do now,
Is to wait.
Wait for the star that sticks out,
In its own unique way.
~hahasmile4me

Mistake

Mistake

Gosh its been so long.

Do you remember when I said,
When I get my car,
We'll spend time together?
We'll drive away,
And watch the stars.
We'll lay on a hill,
And watch the clouds.

But I messed up.
I wasn't strong enough.
I couldn't be the person I said I'd be.

And now,
Now I'm missing you.
I'm missing the time we spent together.
Long chats about nothing.
The late night phone calls.

God I miss it.
I haven't had such a conversation in such a long time.
But its all gone now.
You've gone your way.
I've gone mine.

Even though I messed up yours.
Just know,
I want the best for you.
And if you don't make your goals,
I don't make mine.
The goal:
To make everyone around happier.

But honestly,
I've done nothing but hurt people.
I've said the wrong things.
Threw fits for no reason.
Ripped on people that I was jealous about.
I ruined more relationships.
I disclosed information I shouldn't have.
I've grown apart in my relationships with my friends.

All of this kills me.
Because I want you all to know.
My friends are the most ridiculously important people to me.
But I think i'm ready.
I think i'm ready to change.
I think I can do it.

Maybe from here on out,
I'll make sure that,
stupid things like grades,
Don't interfere.
That I be stronger,
not only for me,
but for you.

I'm sorry for all the mistakes.
~hahasmile4me

Alone

Alone

There are some days.
Some days where you just want to be alone.
But deep down,
You don't.

Some days where you just want to sit in front of your computer,
And you pray.
You pray that,
That small chat box pops up.
But to you,
It's not just a small chat box.
It makes you feel good.
It makes you feel like people care.
It makes you feel like maybe,
Maybe you strike the hearts of people around you.

But what happens,
Is that you end up sitting down,
Staring at your computer,
Alone.
No flashing red boxes,
Nothing new,
No one there.

You start to wonder, 
Did you do something wrong?
Why isn't anyone going to talk with you?

So you check your chat box.
You stare at all the names online,
And think about the ones that are probably just invisible.
You feel betrayed.
Nobody cares enough to do to you a simple deed.
A deed that, to you, isn't that simple.

So you go and chat with other people.
You have a good conversation,
For about 5 minutes.
Then you get the "sent at 11:11 on Thursday"
And the only thing you can think about,
Is making that wish.
And you wish that,
Maybe its not you.
Maybe its them.
Maybe they are just busy.
And you sit there,
Alone.

Small things.
Maybe just try them out.
I know I do.
And I'll be here for you,
only if you want me to.
~Hahasmile4me