The Past

The Past

I have always complained about the past.

So much good:

All the times we had together,

All the deep chats we had,

All the time we spent together,

All the fun we had,

All the things we shared.

And so much bad:

All the mistakes I made,

All the expectations I failed to meet,

All the problems I created,

All the people I hurt,

All the relationships I broke,

All the things I said,

But which out weighs the other?

I guess we'll find out,

In the future.

But for now,

Let's try to cherish the past.

~hahasmile4me

Some day

Someday

Maybe someday,
You can come to me.
Maybe someday,
We can talk about personal things.
Maybe someday,
I'll be someone special.
But we'll just have to see.

Maybe someday,
I can become someone you'll believe in.
Maybe someday,
I can be someone you can confide in.
Maybe someday,
We could have something special.
But we'll just have to see.

Maybe someday,
I can do something unique.
Maybe someday,
I can be good at something.
Maybe someday,
I can have this self-confidence back.
But we'll just have to see.

Starting from now,

My goal will be that,

Someday
Can be today.
~hahasmile4me

Change

Change

Change.
It needs to happen.
Right.
Now.

I need a change.
A change to my studying habits.
A change to my efficiency.
A change,
To my attitude.

I need a change.
A change to my work ethic.
A change to my confidence.
A change,
To my life.

I need a change.
A change in my ability to make friends.
A change in my ability to keep friends.
A change,
To be a better friend.

I need a change.
A change that will renew me.
A change that will reinvigorate others.
A change,
That will make me a better person.

There are just so many things that need to be changed.
So many things that must be done.
But I need to change.
This year was ridiculous.
So much stress.
So much pressure.
So much demand.
So much nostalgia.
So much drama.
So much pain.

So many fails.
So many successes.
So many fortunes.
So many misfortunes.
So many problems.
So many solutions.
So many hands,
Outstretched to help me.
All I can do is be thankful.
It is all I have.

There is just so much out there.
There is so much corruption.
But I will strive to stay pure.
And take as many people with me,
Down this path.
With God on my right,
And friends/family on my left.
I will be unstoppable.

So lets make a change,
Not only for ourselves,
But for the ones who are dear to you.
~hahasmile4me

Finally

Finally

Finally,
The dreaded curse has been lifted.
But wait,
Has it really?
I don't think so.
This forever burdening weight from school.
This "4.0" status is over for me.
I just hope that I can still get that scholarship,
Not for me,
But for my family,
Because they have stuck with me.
For all this time.

I'm sorry for not being an amazing student,
And that I probably won't be able to help you guys out that much,
But I pray that I can give back,
Just a little big of that massive amount of money,
That you have spoiled me with.
Thank you for all the things you have given me Mom and Dad.
I just hope that I can help you out soon.

I'l keep trying,
But at least this 4.0 pressure is over.
Hopefully I can start trying MY personal best,
Rather than just make the grade.
Heres to a new start.
~hahasmile4me

Trouble

Trouble
Once upon a time.
Once upon a time a had what it took.
Once upon a time, I could keep conversations going.
Once upon a time, I would waste hours and hours on chat.
But its all gone now.

I struggle to keep conversations going,
I struggle to find a topic of choice,
I struggle to learn more about the other person.
But I fail.
I fail so badly.
In fact,
I fail so badly that people despise my questions.
I fail so badly that people snap back at me.
I fail so badly that people just don't even bother to acknowledge me.
But I'm still here.

I'm still here.
Whether you like me or not.
Whether you want me or not.
I'm still here.
If you are going to destroy me,
I'll see you later.
You can be "just another person,"
If that means anything.

But we'll see.
We'll see where you place,
We'll see how important you really are,
In time.
Only time will tell.

We'll best of luck.
Maybe I'm worth a little more than just,
That tall Asian kid.
Maybe I'm worth more than a friend,
Or a nice guy.
Maybe I'm worth more that just a desperate kid.
But thats up to you to find out.
Give and take,
Thats what makes a relationship work.
If you aren't willing to,
Good luck.

As always,
I'll be here,
Through the troubles to give my strength and encouragement,
To give my support, and opinion,
To give my heart, and soul.
Take it or leave it.
Choice is yours.
~hahasmile4me

Stars

Stars
I look up every night,
during my evening run.
I find a place where its nice and dark,
and just look up.
I look up to see the stars.

I never really understood,
understood why the stars amazed me.
It wasn't the twinkle,
or the vast quantity,
or the constellations.
It was the thought.

I don't really know what I was thinking.
Maybe I was thinking how,
How there are as many girls out there as there are stars.
But thats not true.
It made me realize.

It made me realize that,
The girl you are looking for,
Isn't always going to be the brightest star in the sky,
Or the most colorful one,
or the center one.
The girl that you are looking for is,
One of the "average" ones.

You can't tell which one it is from looking up into the sky.
And to make matters worse,
Clouds block your vision.

But I try and try,
I try to find you.
I think about maybe I messed up,
and that I already missed you.
Or that I just stood by,
And watched other people take you.
But I guess I'll never know.

So I'll wait.
I'll do the wait.
The most painful wait of my life.
But I know,
I know that if I draw from God's well,
I'll have the strength.
And I know it'll pay off...
Because this girl's going to be the one,
The only one I'll need.
And the only one I'll ever think about.
So in the end,
It'll be worth it.

So I guess the only thing to do now,
Is to wait.
Wait for the star that sticks out,
In its own unique way.
~hahasmile4me

Mistake

Mistake

Gosh its been so long.

Do you remember when I said,
When I get my car,
We'll spend time together?
We'll drive away,
And watch the stars.
We'll lay on a hill,
And watch the clouds.

But I messed up.
I wasn't strong enough.
I couldn't be the person I said I'd be.

And now,
Now I'm missing you.
I'm missing the time we spent together.
Long chats about nothing.
The late night phone calls.

God I miss it.
I haven't had such a conversation in such a long time.
But its all gone now.
You've gone your way.
I've gone mine.

Even though I messed up yours.
Just know,
I want the best for you.
And if you don't make your goals,
I don't make mine.
The goal:
To make everyone around happier.

But honestly,
I've done nothing but hurt people.
I've said the wrong things.
Threw fits for no reason.
Ripped on people that I was jealous about.
I ruined more relationships.
I disclosed information I shouldn't have.
I've grown apart in my relationships with my friends.

All of this kills me.
Because I want you all to know.
My friends are the most ridiculously important people to me.
But I think i'm ready.
I think i'm ready to change.
I think I can do it.

Maybe from here on out,
I'll make sure that,
stupid things like grades,
Don't interfere.
That I be stronger,
not only for me,
but for you.

I'm sorry for all the mistakes.
~hahasmile4me

Alone

Alone

There are some days.
Some days where you just want to be alone.
But deep down,
You don't.

Some days where you just want to sit in front of your computer,
And you pray.
You pray that,
That small chat box pops up.
But to you,
It's not just a small chat box.
It makes you feel good.
It makes you feel like people care.
It makes you feel like maybe,
Maybe you strike the hearts of people around you.

But what happens,
Is that you end up sitting down,
Staring at your computer,
Alone.
No flashing red boxes,
Nothing new,
No one there.

You start to wonder, 
Did you do something wrong?
Why isn't anyone going to talk with you?

So you check your chat box.
You stare at all the names online,
And think about the ones that are probably just invisible.
You feel betrayed.
Nobody cares enough to do to you a simple deed.
A deed that, to you, isn't that simple.

So you go and chat with other people.
You have a good conversation,
For about 5 minutes.
Then you get the "sent at 11:11 on Thursday"
And the only thing you can think about,
Is making that wish.
And you wish that,
Maybe its not you.
Maybe its them.
Maybe they are just busy.
And you sit there,
Alone.

Small things.
Maybe just try them out.
I know I do.
And I'll be here for you,
only if you want me to.
~Hahasmile4me