Every Night

Every Night
Every night is the same.
I try my best to just relax,
Let it all out.
Just admire those people who do what they want,
Whenever they want.
They have this self control
That nobody can take away,
But themselves.
But I'm here every night.
Fighting to just have a chance to learn,
No chance to make a mistake,
Or the same thing happens every night.
Fighting.
More fighting.
Screaming,
Yelling,
Then boom.
Rage.
Everything turns into something,
Something that I can't possibly love.
I'm stuck.
I pray every night.
I pray that I can just,
Contain this horrible anger.
This unexplainable anger.
This anger from someone I'm not.
But I'm stuck.
I clench my teeth, fight my tears, stop breathing,
Because I can't let anything escape my mouth,
I can't show my weakness,
I can't let go,
Any mistake is taken advantage of.
Same routine every night.
Same talk every day.
"Oh fighting never gets anything done."
Yet it happens every day,
Every night.

Something I'm Not

Something I'm Not
All this rage,
All this anger,
All this pain,
All this confusion,
All this frustration,
All this anxiety,
All this fear,
Is turning me into something I'm not.

I scream and I yell,
When just talking doesn't get the point across.
But then what?
When screaming and yelling starts to not get the point across,
I'm forced to use violence.
I hate it.
I hate myself when it comes to this point.
But then what?

What happens when violence doesn't get the point across?
What will I do?
How can I just be myself?
How can I just calm down?
What if these actions become a part of me?
How will I be able to live with myself,
Being somebody that I don't want to be,
Someone I'm not.
Or even worse,
Something I'm not.

Confused

Confused

It was going well,

Until now.

I don't know where you are,

I don't know what to do,

I don't know where we are.

Are we done?

Are you confused, as I am?

Was it something I did?

Was it something someone told you?

What do I do now?

I'm confused.

I miss you,

But I'm not sure if thats the right thing to do.

I need a sign,

That we are though,

Or that you need a break,

Or that there have been problems.

But give me a sign,

A hint,

A word.

Please,

I'm so confused.

The Past

The Past

It's coming back,

The past.

What I've done in the past,

Is coming up,

To haunt me.

To scar me.

It made me miss am opportunity,

It made me hurt,

It made me remember.

All of this stuff really happened,

All of this stuff really hurt,

But worst of all,

All of this stuff can happen again.

So please lord,

Bless me,

Make me pure,

And cure me from this sickness.

Make the future better than the past. 

~hahasmile4me

Trust

Trust
Sometimes all you need to do is trust in someone.
You can't be insecure,
You can't loose hope,
You can't do anything,
But trust.

Even when everything goes back,
You must have that faith,
The faith that you can entrust so much with that person,
But no matter how untrustworthy other people have been to me,
Or how untrustworthy I've been to others,
I will try my best,
To just trust you.
Please do your best,
And I'll try to do my best.
So heres to trust.
~hahasmile4me

Hoping

Hoping
I'm here hoping,
That I won't mess up like I did before,
That nothing will go wrong,
And if something does go wrong,
We'll have the strength to overcome and push through,
And be stronger than ever.

I hope that there won't be any hurt,
I hope that there won't be any tricks,
I hope that it'll last,
I hope that money will have no influence,
I hope that we can put everything aside,
And enjoy the time we spend.

I hope that we all have the right intentions,
I hope that no matter what the circumstance,
It will be ok.
I just hope.
~hahasmile4me

This Feeling...

This feeling
Oh gosh,
It has been so long since I've felt this feeling.
2 and 1/2 years.

Something that I hope is mutual,
Something that I hope will last,
Something that I hope that I can give it my all,
Just so I can make this feeling last,
Just so I don't get that feeling,
Just so I can be happy.

I pray that God will be behind me,
That he will be able to make us all happy.
I pray that this feeling will last,
But the only thing I can do now,
Is try my best, and trust in you.

No matter what happens,
I will always thank you for this feeling.
~hahasmile4me